The Stepford Christian….it was me..and it lasted all of 5 minutes. My experience in trying to be the perfect Christian woman!
Every day is a struggle for me. It is a tug of war with who I am and who I want to be. Every day I get up and I purpose that I will be different today. I WANT to be different today. It’s not my actions that I struggle with…it is my mouth. It is my attitude. It is my demeanor.
The Stepford Christian....it was me..and it lasted all of 5 minutes. Click To Tweet
You see, I am a genuinely nice, caring person. I am a funny person! I love making people laugh! My husband is hilarious! He should have been a comedian. He is loved by everyone who meets him! Together, we laugh…A LOT! I love real belly laughs and I love making people laugh that way!
But on the flipside, I am a New Yorker who was raised around very loud, opinionated women. I come from a strong, Jewish grandmother…and there’s a Jewish saying “Ask 2 Jews, get 3 opinions”! I lived my life speaking my mind and never backing down from an argument. I have a natural aversion to injustice. I am very bothered by the twisting of truth, by divisiveness, by the stirring up of strife, by whining and complaining. It grates on my last nerve and I, in the natural, being one that cannot hide my feelings, have a hard time letting it go.
My desire…at the very core of my being…is to be that soft-spoken, meek (and when I say meek I don’t mean weak…I mean gentle and quiet) and prayerful woman. I long to be that woman who can see a divisive post on Facebook and, rather than get upset about it or desire to comment on it and SET THEM STRAIGHT…she just prays for them. I desire to be that person that can watch the news and not get all worked up by what I see. Or to be that woman who does not watch at all. To be that person that isn’t driven to debate. I just simply desire to be SWEET!
I pray for this daily! I PLEAD for this daily. Every morning I step out of bed and say today I WILL be quiet, and peaceful and only speak that which is uplifting and positive. To be the person who, when I see someone on Facebook spreading fake news or spewing hateful things, just prays for them rather than get worked up. And then it goes out the window about as fast as my feet hit the floor. You see, when I got saved, my old woman was put to death…but it appears that every day, several times a day, she has a resurrection!! It’s almost as if the more I desire to change, the more the old woman comes out!! I can’t control it.
I struggle like Paul.
“For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” Romans 7:14-15 (NKJV)
Am I going to go through life being someone who can get worked up in a heartbeat when I see something on the news that annoys me? Why can’t I just BE DIFFERENT???
Yeah..I literally just this second yelled at the TV. As I am writing this I yelled at the TV!!! Seriously!! Ugh!!
Every morning I pray about this. Why? Why can’t I change? Why is it that no matter how much I pray to be the way other Christian women are, I just fail the minute my feet hit the floor?? I want to not be affected by the opinions of those around me, I want to be the wife and mother who is loving and soft spoken and submissive! I want to be that soft space for my husband to land at the end of the day when he has had to deal with stress all day. I want to be the wife that exudes Christ in me!! I have a wonderful, happy marriage full of laughter…we rarely ever argue.. but I want this nonetheless!! And yet….I fail.
And even as I am failing, even as I am doing it, it is in my head…be soft spoken, don’t talk politics because politics is a hot topic and will get you going! My husband is a former politician so it is a hot topic in our house. And he will come home and I will tell him about something I saw on the news and next thing you know we are discussing politics for an hour. Not.What.I.Want! I want our time spent together to be on higher things and not on worldly things.
But I am a loud, brash New Yorker. It is at the very core of my being. How do you change something that is just WHO YOU ARE!!??
I went to Him in prayer today and told Him how I struggle. I told Him AGAIN what I want my personality to be like…I was specific after all!! I had a list!!
And yet He showed me something….He showed me I was praying for Him to change me but I wasn’t leaving it up to Him HOW to change me. I was asking Him to make me like other people rather than make me what HE wanted me to be. He showed me that He knew what He was getting when He got me. I was no surprise to Him. It’s not like someone presented me to Him and He looked and was like…”Oh…Ooookay…what am I supposed to do with this??”
He knew my personality when He called me to my ministry. He also knew that my struggles and my fight would help others feel like they are not lost causes!!
Christians are not all perfect!!
He showed me that I am just a loud mouth like Peter!! My story shows people that Christians are REAL people with REAL struggles and REAL issues!! Yeah…I HAVE ISSUES!! I have more issues than Better Homes and Gardens!!Yeah…I HAVE ISSUES!! I have more issues than Better Homes and Gardens!! Click To Tweet
So did Paul. And God showed me that He is pleased with me because, like Paul, I have the WILL to do good. My heart is set on Him. I DESIRE to do what is right. My spirit chooses what is right but my flesh…it battles me day and night. Like Paul….
“I thank God – through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.” Romans 7:25 (NKJV)
I have been relying on my own flesh to change. I am somehow believing that if I TRY hard enough I can BE different. No!! I am who I am! I am not a Stepford Christian…there is no perfect Christian!! My attempt at being one lasts all of 5 minutes…if that!! I shouldn’t be TRYING to fit some image in my mind of what I think a Christian woman should look like. I should simply ask God to make me into the woman HE wants me to be..not the woman I think I should be based on this picture in my head of, as Joyce Meyer says, “Sister Super Christian!”I am not a Stepford Christian! Click To Tweet
What if I have been praying all wrong? I’ve been praying for Him to make me like other people rather than asking Him to make me more Christ-like. Wow…reality check!! Christ is my goal…not the women in church, not the other bloggers I am friends with, not my pastor’s wife…Christ! I had the right motive but the wrong goal and the wrong prayer. My desire should always be to be more like Christ…not more like other women.Christ is my goal…not the women in church, not the other bloggers I am friends with, not my pastor’s… Click To Tweet
So, starting now, my prayer changes. Instead of presenting God with a list of qualities I think I want..that Stepford Christian that, in reality just doesn’t exist…I will simply ask Him to mold me into the woman HE wants me to be and the wife HE wants me to be…and to show people..in my home and out of it…Jesus IN me.