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How Christian Men Should Serve Their Wives in Love

As Christian men, you have likely been taught that the Bible has a lot to say about how you should serve your wife and as her husband, it’s important that you understand those scriptures so that you can be faithful in serving her.

Our culture tells us we should be put first, but God’s Word says otherwise. When we learn to love our wives as Christ loved the church, our marriages become stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. 

Society tells us that we should be loving our wives like we want to be loved, which is a terrible way of thinking about marriage. We should instead seek to imitate Jesus by serving our wives and loving them as He loves us.

There are many ways you can serve your wife every day and here are some simple ideas for serving her as a husband who loves her as Christ does the Church—a perfect example of servant leadership! Read on to learn more about Biblical manhood as it relates to loving and serving your wife as Jesus served others.

A husband and wife hugging with text that says Christian Men - How to Serve Your Wife in Love

While We Serve Our Wife, We Must Serve God

I work for a college. Before someone can take certain courses, there are certain things they need to accomplish. Those are called prerequisites.

There are also some courses that you can take but you need to take another course at the same time. Those are called corequisites.

While you serve your wife in marriage, you must be serving God, or at least be on the correct path toward serving God at the same time. Serving our wife in marriage is a corequisite model. 

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Here is an example of a prerequisite.

Before we can ask our wife to biblically submit to us, the man of God must first serve God. The reason is simple. If we are to be the spiritual head of our household, we must be held to a higher standard and need to know how to serve first. 

If we are asking to be biblically submitted to as part of our marriage, we must be doing so from a God mindset with our motivations driven by serving the Lord. That way, we are not expecting to be submitted to out of our own selfish desires or motivations. That is called oppression and not leadership.

So, serving God is a prerequisite, needed before us men can be biblically submitted to in our marriage.

We have another post about how a man should be biblically submitted to in marriage, but this post is about serving your wife. This is all about her right now!

Being on the Path of God

Being on the path of serving God will only help guide you in how you can serve your wife.

Guidance from God helps you attain true wisdom.

As written in James 3:17:

“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, free of hypocrisy.:”

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Would you want to serve and support your wife in a way that embodies all these things? Of course, and that is why when we serve God; so that we can be in the best position to do so. 

And as a corequisite, we need to continue walking with the Lord each and every day, staying in prayer, studying the Word, so that our motives and desires never fall away from His perfect plan for marriage.

Being on the path of serving God will only help guide you in how you can serve your wife. Click To Tweet

How Christian Men Should Understand the Role of Their Wives

Before we can know how to serve our wife, we must understand the role of women BEFORE sin entered the world.

In Genesis 2:18 it states:

“Then the Lord God said, It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

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Does that mean a woman is subordinate to a man?

The Hebrew word for helper is ezer, which also means helpmate.

A way to interpret it today, according to Dr. Tony Evans, is that the woman is an essential collaborator.

The Lord values men and women equally. God created Eve as Adam’s helper before sin entered the world, with no implication that she was subject to him.

The noun for helper used in Genesis would be used in other parts of the Bible to show how God helped those who called out to God for assistance, implying that a woman’s help is valuable and worthy.

While we may have different roles in marriage, men must look at their wives as essential collaborators. We need to let them know through our thoughts, words, and actions that she is of value and regarded in such a manner.

bride and groom on beach and Genesis 2:18 quoted in NASB 2020

How Christian Men Should Love Their Wives

We know what it means to live for Christ and how much he loves us, but did you know that God wants us to love each other with the same kind of sacrificial love?

Peter wrote to a group of believers throughout Asia Minor. While not specifically addressing marriage, the scripture can demonstrate the principle of how we love as believers in life, which includes marriage.

In 1 Peter 4:8-10 it states:

“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the multi-faceted grace of God”.

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As believers, we must love our wives fervently, which means with enthusiasm and passion, and we should expect to then receive that same love. Hospitable means to have an environment pleasant and favorable for living in.

Work through love to create this environment for your home and marriage.

How You Can Honor Your Wife

One of the ways that you can show her honor is by providing for her needs. Loving kindness is one of the spiritual disciplines and the Bible speaks often about God’s own loving kindness toward us that we should model.

The scripture in 1 Timothy 5:8 says:

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

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Yes, your wife IS a member of your household! If you’re the primary provider in your family, it’s important that you look for ways to provide for her and take care of her needs.

Does that mean that a woman should not work? Absolutely not!

The Proverbs 31 Woman

We see clearly in Proverbs 31 that a virtuous woman is an entrepreneur (see verses 13 and 24), is trusted both personally and with finances (see verses 11 and 16), is strong (see verse 17), and she delegates responsibility (see verse 15).

We must honor our wife as a worthy woman who has tremendous value to meaningfully contribute as an essential collaborator and partner.

Encourage your wife and see her as being all these things and that is one way to honor her.

Another way we honor our wives is through our thoughts and actions.

The first is by being trustworthy and respected in the community. Proverbs 31:23 says:

“Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land.”

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This means that not only does the husband trust his wife so he can be at the gates, it also means he is respected and honored in the community. You honor your wife by being honorable!

The Proverbs 31 woman is called eschet chayil or the “Virtuous Woman”. But its meaning is more along the lines of ‘woman of valor’. In other words, this was one tough woman! She did a lot and was valued and honored. The Bible is NOT about demeaning or degrading women! See the video above for more on what “chayil” means.

In Titus 2:2 it sums up how we can live in sound doctrine as:

“Older men are to be temperate, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance”.

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For example, are we as men self-controlled so that we do not speak ill of our wives in public, on social media, or to others?

As Dr. Tony Evans said, “If you go to someone to complain about your wife, you are not looking for advice, you are looking for sympathy”. Honor her by not speaking ill of her and be temperate.

And I apologize if I called you old with the Titus 2 reference. During the time of Jesus, the average life expectancy was somewhere between 35-45 so if you were married, you were probably considered “old”.

careful wife caring for husband and Titus 2:2 quoted in NASB 2020

13 Ways to Serve Your Wives as Christian Men

  • Understand the biblical definition of a wife – Ephesians 5:22-23 describes a wife as being “subject to her husband” (NASB 2020) That might sound old-fashioned and oppressive, but it doesn’t mean she should be a doormat. Rather, it means that she should respect him as the spiritual leader of the home. However, as mentioned at the beginning, you must first be a servant to God as a prerequisite.
  • Praise Her for Who She Is – Your wife is a beautiful woman who God created to be your helpmate and essential collaborator. Every man should praise his wife because that’s what helps keeps her happy and confident. Tell your wife how beautiful she is. Be grateful for the work that she does. Say it OFTEN so that she can hear you!
  • Remember that marriage is a covenant between two people – You and your wife are married to each other in a covenantal bond. That means you are partners in life together for as long as you both shall live.

    Take time to build a deep emotional bond. She needs your love, friendship, encouragement, and guidance! Also remember that as a marriage for life, the kids will eventually be out of the house, and you will still be together with your wife. Keep that context when building your relationship with your wife.
  • Be willing to sacrifice for your spouse’s happiness and well-being – It’s a lot of work to serve your spouse and take care of her needs. Just because you married the woman doesn’t mean she owes you anything, especially if you’re not willing to give a little bit in return. Be supportive of her when she’s struggling with something or can’t handle all the pressures on her.

    Encourage her and let her know that you appreciate everything she does even if it’s just keeping the kids out of your hair for an hour or so while you’re trying to relax after work (and remember to do the same for her guys…if she is at home she has had those kids all day, especially if she is homeschooling!!)
  • Respect your wife by listening, understanding, and communicating with her respectfullyCommunication is important in any relationship and part of being a good husband means listening to her when she speaks. Let me reiterate the word LISTENING! It is not just HEARING that she said something. It is hearing WHAT she said!

    Let her know that you value what she has to say. Make time for discussions about serious topics but also find ways to have fun with your wife and laugh together because laughter is the best medicine!
  • Support your wife in times of crisis or need – When your wife is going through a difficult time, it’s important that you support her instead of trying to “fix” things on your own. She needs you just as she needs God in those times. Encourage her to seek our help from the Lord and pray WITH and FOR her.
  • Give her quality time – Quality time is giving your undivided attention to someone. That means men, put the phone down! There are enough times throughout the day that you can scroll through your phone!

    No laptops, tablets, or cell phones because they make it difficult to focus on the relationship with your wife when you’re looking at a screen!

    Play a game together, do a Bible study together, watch a movie. Find out what she enjoys and share in that with her.
  • Be faithful to your wives – Besides just being faithful while you’re married, it’s important that you strive to be a man of integrity. That means not looking at porn or spending time with other women alone, because your wife deserves your fidelity! As I mentioned previously, do not vent to other people about your marriage and PARTICULARLY do not talk about your marriage with other women. You will be looking for sympathy, not help, and that leads to problems!

    A wife should have full access to your phone and calendar, and you should expect the same from her. That action will show your wife that you are faithful. It doesn’t mean you go checking up on her or she on you. But I am referring to ACCESS. If you are keeping your wife locked out of your devices or you’re afraid to leave your phone alone in the room with her, you need to look at WHY and check yourself!
  • Be physically affectionate – Hugging and kissing is a great way to show that you love someone. Holding hands or giving her a back rub communicates love, even if you don’t have the words to say it. And men, do it without expecting anything in return!!
  • Fill up her love tank – Have you ever noticed that when you feel satisfied physically, it makes you more pleasant and not as needy for attention and love? It’s similar for your wife. When you fill up her love tank with affection, compliments, and meaningful conversation, good works, intimacy, she will feel more fulfilled in all areas of her life
  • Be humble and ask forgiveness (and be forgiving of her) when you make mistakes – Because every Christian man is a work in progress who makes plenty of mistakes over the course of his life, it’s important to ask for forgiveness when you’re wrong.

    Let your wife know that she doesn’t have to be perfect either because we all fall short of the glory of God but by His grace, we can try harder next time!
  • Be a good example for your children – Show them how to treat other people with respect and kindness. Teach them to have good manners and not be rude. They’ll learn a lot from you just by watching you!

    If your daughters see their father mistreating their mother, they may marry such men themselves because they think that is how THEY should be treated as well.

    Teach the young men you are raising to do the right things for their wives by allowing them to see it modeled in your own home.
  • Pray for your wives – As you’re going about your day, keep your wife and family in prayer. Pray for their safety, good health (emotionally as well as physically), and happiness.
  • Share household responsibilities with your wife as much as possible – Women typically do a lot more around the house for their family than men do. And yes men, taking care of the kids IS work.

    That’s why it’s important that you help out as much as possible with daily tasks. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of the kids in married life is all about teamwork! So let your wife know how much you appreciate her help by pitching in.


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Christian Men as Servant Leaders in the Home

I have mentioned it a few times but what is servant leadership?

What is Servant Leadership?

Well, servant leadership is when a person uses their role as a leader to put others first, lead by example and serves others in areas of need. A Christian man doesn’t lead his family to get something from them or because he wants power over them but rather, he leads by serving and caring for them.

Philippians 2:3-5 tells us that we should not look out for our own interests but rather for the interests of others. Paul tells the Philippians that if they are truly followers of Jesus Christ, then they will find their purpose in life in serving other people.

We see examples of this in the Word of God where Jesus’ disciples were served by Him when He washed their feet. Jesus was the embodiment of servant leadership.

There are many good Bible studies out there on servant leadership so I recommend checking some out!

A Christian man’s job is not to be a dictator who changes the rules whenever he wants or makes his family hurt or resentful with strict leadership (because we all know that isn’t healthy for a marriage!). His job is to lead by example and serve his wife, children, and others in the household.

As you can see, there are many ways you can, as a servant leader in your home, serve your wife and show her the selfless kind of love that Jesus has shown to us as believers.

It’s important to be a servant leader in your home because it will help make your marriage stronger, healthier, and happier!

How have you served your wife lately? What makes it a habit for you to serve her in this way?

Dr. Dave Ferreira

Dr. Dave Ferreira is Diane’s wonderful husband! He is an Administrator in Higher Education and is the founder of a not for profit charity. Dave has also owned a traditional business and is well versed in business start-ups, grant writing, and non-profit formations. He is the author of the book Insider’s Guide to College Etiquette. Dave is also very active in his congregation.

NASB – “Scripture quotations taken from the NASB. Copyright by The Lockman Foundation

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